[M]emoriies

confused

2006-12-05T21:46:00.000-08:00

despite being at the age of seventeen..i realise tt my thinking is still at a childish stage..those who noe me well will noe why..its been a long time since i last blog..busy with projects and school works..so bobian..wah lau ey..exams coming liao yet i'm falling sick! sore throat..runny nose etc..wah biang..everytime oso like tt one can..either sick during exam or after exam..how to get good grades?how to enjoy myself huh?really bth..

hmm..having my mood swing period again..every little thing can get on my nerves and i just felt like screaming at the culprit who ruin my mood..i know its wrong..but i jux cant help it..sian..friday got banquet..but i sick leh..lucky is banquet and not other ulu-ulu jobs so at least still have motivation to get to work..

bought a new hp..change a new no..so those who dont know yet..do get it from me in some way or another kkx..dun wanna lose contact with anyone..paiseh if i forgot to send to u peeps ey...heex..aniways..i bought LG chocolate..it only has looks and nth else and i dun like it!

hmmm..feeling very tired..mind completely blocked out..so yah..shall stop at here..heex..today guai yi dian..dun be so naggy..haas..

*wo de tian kong jing tian you dian hui*
*wo de xin shi ge luo ye de ji jie*
*wo bu zhi dao ru he ao guo jing ye*
*suo you de deng zhao yi jiing quan dou xi mie*

To: J.T.W.J.

2006-12-03T05:12:00.000-08:00

And I'm Just Down
You Left Me With A Note Without A Sound
I Figured I Must Stop Being Such A Child
You Never Know How Much I Been Around
How My Heart Just Rounds Of Your Down
I'll Be Your Teddy Bear
I'll Be Your Cloud
I'll Take You Round And Round
If You Dont Mind
I Can Be Your Standing Crown
Even If That Means I Drown...

zzzz

2006-11-27T03:35:00.000-08:00

well..well..well..its been a long time since i last blog le..hmmm..bobian lar..no time and opportunity to use the comp ma..anyway..i'm really very happy that i got into business! heex..lucky i didnt end up in marketing or logistics..sure die one lo..hate marketing fundementals to the core..dun say marketing..haas..as for logistic..jux tink tt its too mathematical for me..u noe i always sucks at counting..niways...miss anna so much..idiot..go m'sia so long..nvr reply my sms de lo..den yvette finally turn 17 le..notti ger..always go clubbing..little havoc kitten..wahha..sounds abit inappropriate right..but who cares..purr! haas..anyway..johnathon oso went m'sia..cameron highlands..hmmm..

wah lau ey..stupid anna lar..den see the bloody..i mean literally bloody picture of the gal..really gore can..beginning to hate gore le..dunoe why..how can people actually face death so calmly especially its such violent death..and..how could they even have the mood to take picture of the deceased..where's the basic respect huh?niways..realize tt more and more people are resorting to leaping off buildings to end their unhappiness..so many people around me are taking the leap..wads wrong with this world man?i know they are brave..but..dun they know the life after death will be much more hideous than the current world tt we're living in.haix..really hope they can be happier be it up there in the sky..or down there beneath the soil..

life's a struggle..such is life..haix..aint there any happy things in life?why is life such a tedious and slow journey?hmmm..my ah ma having an operation soon..really hope she'll be fine..going to unstitch this wed..damm scare can?pain how?i faint how?wah lau ey..imagin the string being pulled out from the gum..just the thought is disgusting can?stupid school fees..why so high?money easy earn izzit?wah lau ey..^%^%%##$#@^%&*^*(

kang li's really cute..can still eat sushi straight after plucking out the teeth..she forever that cute de can..but really sad lo..why her sis wan go chij?arrgh!hope she wun turn into a les or a b***h..haas..no offence..jux a personal opinion..my point of view..my style!

had a bad day

2006-11-21T19:07:00.000-08:00

lets begin with the happenings on sunday..it was suppose to be a lazy morning wherby everyone is lying on their nice beds till the afternoon heat wakes one up..but unfortunately..i was awaken by the ugly quarrels of my parents..there they go again..shouting and screaming as though they were separated by a thousand miles and only through shouting can they get the message through..anyway..coz of this..i woke up...i was sitting on the sofa when somebody came knocking at my door..its a tradition for us not to open the door as my mum..will typically curse both the culprit for opening e door and the sales person standing outside..so to play safe..i jux waited for someone else to open it..and so..my dad who was cooking lunch rush out to open the door..guess wad..wad a pleasant surprise..it was a lady standing at my doorstep holding a big basket full of flowers with one bear embracing the sweetness of the flowers and one big helium balloon tied to it saying " you're appreciated".Its such a nice..sweet and romantic gift ey..and the most expensive gift i receive ba..not including those money tt my ah ma always shove to me whenever i visit..heex..anyway..without even opening the card..i know who its from..coz onli one person will do tt..and tt's bear..haas..its really sweet of him..its around A3 size! but still..dun like e idea tt he spend so much $$..

anyway..good things dun last..after tt..my dad brought me to eunos unity clinic..woah..i was there for a dental surgery..wth..not mentioning the price which is $300..but the process..kao ey..first i had an x-ray to reveal the "wisdom" tooth..den after tt..the hellish journey started..wa biang ey..cannot take it..she took out 3 long needles..den one by one..poke them into my sensitive gum..with the needle halfway or more through the gum..wah biang..i almost faint can..still say wad ant bite..tell u..den this ant muz be the world largest ant ever with the world sharpest tooth..kao ey..dun belive me go use one sewing needle and poke your own gum..den she ask me rest..slowly..the effect take place..wah lao ey..during the long tedious 20 mins..she cut up my gum..den twist and drill the bloody tooth..kao ey..who can stand the blood smell..for me i definetly cannot de lo..keep wanting to vomit..still keep asking me to open my mouth big..she heng i nvr vomit in her face ah..den the stupid assistance..understand is a trainee lar..but oi! wah lan ey..is my wisdom tooth causing the pain..u rest the bloody pun zui de spray so hard on my upper teeth for wad?trying to cause more damage to my traumatise mind huh?or wan earn more money try spoil my teeth..kao..she ah..like so jing zhang..den forget tt she exerting bloody force at the wrong place..lucky the dentist notice..ask for a change..arboh i tell u..my upper teeth oso gone case one liao lo..den kao..i damm scare dentist one lo..this kangli..anna..dardar noe..haas..den of coz..needless to say..i cry lar..den my dad got so anxious..stood up to see wads wrong..heex..first time see him so concern for me..my dad rocks..den the stupid dentist..still dun faster do..keep pausing to explain wad shes doing to me to my dad..kao..opening mouth big is damm tough for me de lo..she still take her own sweet time..my blooody time man..blood keep oozing lo..kao ey..finally..she twist and turn and drill..the tooth came out..it was a bloody scene..wosh!glad i made it..haas..

was suppose to mit mitch..but..she's so caring..scare i faint..so didnt..and not onli tt..she even made a trip to my house to collect homework..a really sweet fren..kekex..

den slp at home..wake up onli..realize i look like a hamster with the pouch full of food..oh man..damm cute can..haas..UGLY but adorable..cn u imagin your face like tt..dun believe is cute u try squeeze one xiao long bao into your right cheek..haas...put it there for 2 days..see u ps not..haas..i damm ps can..lucky got 5 day mc..but hor..sad ah..stupid jap lar..lec and presentation..bobian muz go..haix..lets skip skip abit..

den..at around evening..there's one loud *BONG* again..soon..police cars came..guess wad..another suicide case..my bllk summore..witness the scene..wah biang ey..can faint can..why so many ppl so sad nobody noe till they jumped?kao..he live one floor above me onli..bt on e other side lar..if i see him drop from my window i sure bian siao one lo..kao ey..such a pity..still so young..only 29 leh..haix..i really wonder izzit true tt 1,3,5,7,9 ages are evil ages..blk 106..19yr old jump..he lives on 12th storey..blk 104..29yr old jump..oso live on 12th storey..aint it too coicident..and it happen in less than a month..can ppl stop jumping around me..will i be the next to jump 2 yrs down the road?haix..

monday was real bored..though no need wake up early for school..but i cant eat anything solid..cant go out too with this face ma..haix..so hide at hm the whole day..

hmmm..anna going m'sia again lo..go so long for wad..will miss u de leh..idiot zhu tou..haiix..still finding ppl to pei me go unstitch..sob..scare pain!!!!arrgH!!

LIVING HELL!!

depressed

2006-11-17T01:10:00.000-08:00

i'm depressed..all so depressed..can anyone hear the sound of my heart breaking into a million pieces?i'm feeling all so down and miserable..drowning myself in sorrows everyday..i tried to act as though i'm tough..nth's wrong infront of everybody..but deep down inside..its pouring heavily..i will not allow a single tear to fall..never..no matter how sad ii am..i wun fall..i'll stand tall and strong..the turmoil inside of me is slowly killing me..ii felt as though my life on earth is diminishing fast..been checking up alot bout chinese funeral and life after death..its believe that if a person commits suicide..he'll be send to hell in christians' eyes and in buddhism..because he created a sin so bad..he'll keep killing himself every reincarnation..and not only that..the fees of conducting a funeral is calculated in thousands..woah..with all this research..how can i die that easily?torment..turmoil..i'm suffocating slowly..fading away..i no longer feel any pain or hurt..i'm no longer feeling humane..i'm leading a life of a zombie..everyday i'm waiting..waiting to see the god of death..devastated..

ham left me..den john did..slowly..one by one will go..wads left will be nth but a grasp of wind..may the wind take my soul with it..and let me be carefree from now till eternity..god bless

ended

2006-11-17T00:43:00.000-08:00

yesterday...we finally broke up after 11 months plus of sweetness..bitter and everything..in the end..we still cannot make it more than 1 yr..haiix..really disappointed..not onli in him..but oso in myself too..i told myself before..no matter wad..at least endure or give in through the 1yr anni..but alas..i still didnt manage to succeed..

haiix..wads done is done..after tuesday..i'll never mit him again..guess..i'll lock him up at the back of my mind and just forget about all the things we did together..its meaningless isnt it? tink i'll jux embark on a new journey without him..if not wad else?

visited my cute cute ah ma just now and she ask me bout johnathon..wad can i say?i simply replied with a smile..we're over..guess..i'll nvr introduce another bf to my ah ma le..coz i really dunoe how to answer her when she ask bout him..maybe..i wun even wanna stead again..its jux too hurtful liao ba..

wo ke yi pei ni qu kan xing xing..bu yong zai duo shuo ming..wo jiu yao he ni zai yi qi..wo bu xiang you zai yi ci he ni fen li..wo duo mo xiang mei yi ci de mei li shi ying wei ni..xing fu ta zhen de bu rong yi..

Who are you now?Are you still the same Or did you change somehow? What do you do At this very moment when I think of you?And when I'm looking back How we were young and stupid Do you remember that?Baby No matter how I fight it Can't deny it Just can't let you go I still need you I still care about you Though everything's been said and done I still feel you Like I'm right beside you But still no word from you Now that you're gone Instead of moving on, I refuse to see And I keep coming back And I'm stuck in a moment That wasn't meant to last (to last) I try to fight it Can't deny it You don't even know That I still need you I still care about you Though everything's been said and done I still feel you Like I'm right beside you But still no word from you Ohhhh Wish I could find you Just like I found you then Ohhhhh (can't live without you) Though everything's been said and done (yeah) I still feel you (I still feel you) Like I'm right beside you (like I'm right beside you) But still no (still no word) word from you

Nightmare

2006-11-14T20:18:00.000-08:00

well..its been so long since i had a nitemare..no wonder the moment the nitemare come..its such a long and horrible one..arrgh! wads this man? the lowest point of my life? one after another come tumbling down..at this rate..i doubt that i'll be able to get into the business course that i want man..sob...

anyway..there will be this one stage tt everyone has to go through sometime somehow..tt is the growth of the wisdom tooth..wah biang ey..really wonder which idiiot is that to actully name such a sinister tooth the WISDOM tooth..kao..den i'll rather just have the rest of my stupid tooth man..bloody hell..the dentist poke my gum like nobody's business like tt causing ultimate sensation..and i mean a sensation of PAIN..wads worst...i need to be arrage for a surgery whereby he will flap up my whole gum and use the bloody sinister twizzle or wadsoever u call to pluck out the bloody wisdom tooth..and now..my whole gum is swollen..who can understand such pain??haiix..even he doesnt show me as much concern as my frens..niways..hack care liao..getting use to him not caring tt much for me liao..at least..got care a bit better than nth rite?muz really learn how to count my blessings le..

arrgh! where on earth is heaven?? i wanna be there..forever and ever!

arrgh

2006-11-13T00:49:00.000-08:00

a couple of things to start with..

firstly..i am fucking irritated coz i type dunoe bloody hell how many times the reply for anna liao but each time the stupid friendster jux crop up and give me bloody hell problems..anyway..i tink anna gotta wait real long le..or mayb talk in msn ba..sorrie..but..i cant help it..bloody hell friendster..

Niways..my ham ham darling escape from its cozy home and up till now which is the third day oready i still cannot find her lo..arggh..wad to do..i really miss her lots..hope she's surviving well on her own..

wah biang ey..dunoe wads wrong with my tooth..its so freaking pain lo..but hor..i dun wan wastse so much money to pluck my tooth leh..summore..its DENTISE we're talking about! my greatest enemy on earth lo..wo na li ke neng song wo zi ji qu si..anyway..i'm jux gonna endure for a few more days..if still pain den i really muz zhan cao chu den..zhan ya chu gum le..haas..

i seriously hate marketing fundemental man..the lecture and tutorial like forever no link de..nvm..den teacher dun wan give model ans..wad the hell..its tutorial..not lecture..even lecturers give modal ans lo..wad spoon feed..bull shit..the worst of all..always give the crap of "there's no right or wrong answer"..wth..den i see no point in studying this sub since wadever i do can be right or wrong..its really wasting my time..and..i muz make clear..I AM NOT HOSTILE TOWARDS THE TEACHER BUT I JUX HATE THE SUBJECT..SO..DUN CRITIZE PEOPLE WITHOUT FINDING OUT THE TRUTH.. this is to whoever that is..no offence though..jux dun wanna have any blundders or stupid misunderstandings..

finally went to mandai crematorium to pay him my last visit..it was my first time there and e moment i step in..it just give me a sense of peace and serenity..i wanna be there when i leave this place too..haas..

moody moody moody..i'm always moody..why?coz i lost all hopes in life...

really worried for kang li..hope its really a big huge mosquito bite and my ger will be fine..hmmm..god bless!

battle royale

2006-11-10T05:10:00.000-08:00

woah..finally finish watching battle royale after chioning it non-stop for like 2hrs plus..haas..my eyes are blurred now..this is a gruesome show whereby classes are chosen randomly to take part in a bloody and i mean B.L.O.O.D.Y game..they will kill each other with the weapons given to them and the survivor will be able to survive..aint it gruesome..but..its a meaningul story la..i quite love it..interested parties can take a look at it too..haas..anyway..in this show..sugimura, this super cute dude is so sweet..he even scarifice his life to save the ger he love-kotochiki..aint it sweet?Aww..why izzit that such guys nvr appear in my life?sob..

anyways..gotta apologise to anna for causing her so much distress..sorry anna! dun mean to let u kena trap in the middle de..muz forgive wo niu kk..heexx..really cant wait to have our own bbq lo..hmm...

well..johnathon called me and wads the purpose?jux to ask me to help him clinch the job of promoter for ygm. was really upset because i tot he will wan to spend his days with me..gazing at the stars..in a world of our own..but alas..work..money and everything ruin my drms..i know he's gonna say he work for the money..and the money for us..dun wanna quarrel over the same stupid topic over and over again so i'ma jux gonna keep my fucking tots to myself..

really worried bout kang's health..hope everything will turn out fine..and its jux a xu jing yi chang..hmmmm..

kkx la..eyes straining badly le..dun wanna type le..haas..if not my eyes will really get smaller and smaller..ciaox..

phew`

2006-11-09T20:02:00.000-08:00

wah lau ey..yesterday is one of the worst day of my life man..early in the morning when i wake up for school..my head ached like nobody's business sia..and i vomited out..similar situation as last time lo..wah biang ey..really dunoe wads wrong sia..den today the head also still very heavy..yesterday my head pain till i think i passed out lo..anyway..pass out also good..haas..at least wun feel the pain..its as though i finally can feel how yee chiat felt before his pass on..he muz have suffer alot during that few mins or even hours..

aniiway..kangli finally call me and thrash things out..seriously..i jux want to let bygones be bygones..its always 2 parties at fault..so i see no point in quarrelling lo..cant say its a waste of breathe..but..its just..aiya..dunoe how to say..can tell mitch was really worried for me..so touched..haas..and yah..of coz not to forget evon who pei me to the busstop..without her..tink i would have already passed out in school lo...

was really proud of myself that i can survive thru the tough nite suffering all by myself..haas...seriously..i'm not sure whether am i fated to be with johnathon or not..he's always not there for me or with me whenever i'm sick and down..its as though i'm left there alone to fend for myself..haas..i know i shouldnt think this way..but i really cant help it..by jux sending a few sms doesnt really make any differences to me..and it doesnt really show tt you care..niways..i gotta apologise for thinking this way..do pardon me..guess i'm jux too sick..thats why i can only manage to come out with negative thoughts at the moment..

not feeling as sad as the past few days over his loss le..guess..time do heal..though not completely..at least it help lessen the pain aye..

finally my big bro is stepping out into the working society for the first time in his life..haas..excluding NS la of coz..hope he can cope well..earn more more money..be happy with the job..and most importantly..buy me something when he get his first pay lar..wad else..haas..

getting fatter and fatter le..this is holy shit man..really gotta get my ass to start working le..haas..after i recover fully..i'm gonna pull my frens and johnathon to thrash out the gym together man..haas..i wan back my tone muscle! sob sob..really miss those canoeing days..running with victor and miss teo leading was the best though the most tiring..but the team sprit was there!what good old days..arrgh!!!!!!

misses

2006-11-08T20:38:00.000-08:00

where you go..ii miiss you so..seems like its been forever..that you've been gone..

well well well

2006-11-08T20:16:00.000-08:00

Am ii tinking too much or izzit a fact that i always kena left out and forgotten? anyways..not gonna care so much bout it le..wad matters is not whether people remember me not..but i remember them not..anyway..not everyone has to be nice to me..so i accept this fact...

Talking bout yesterday..its jux a fit of anger..let bygones be bygones..dun wanna quarrel with a good fren over such matters..its juz..u know..yah..

Gotta really thank mitch for being there with me always..cheering me up when i'm down..yah..as the saying goes..a good fren in need is a good fren indeed..so yah..she's my good fren..for sure..aint i fortunate..

ANyway for now..i jux wanna quickly finish my studies and change my environment..really hate this type of environment..it sucks..causing me to like slowly suffer from depression man..wads this?i tot school life should be happy..yet i see people with so many maskes..oh man..really gonna faint..

This morning wake up onli...feeling sick liao...migrain..vomit etc..what is this man..really fed up lo..arrgh..hate the feeling of being sick..wads worst..i belong to those superstitious side..so when a stupid bird was standing outside my bedroom window chirping for quite a long time..i really wonder will i be the next to go after so many funerals happening around my blk..each funeral can really affect my mood to the maximum though i dunoe the decease..aint i crazy?!

Well..its really been so long since i saw my secondary school mate - michelle..really wonder how she's doing now..muz be doing great..really miss her lots?haas..and the yvette..so idiot..say i dun reply..she oso nvr reply our msg de..bad ger! till now still haven see her honey lo..whats this?

Seriously hate the fact that things change people change..but what can we do..?worst still i live in such a era where by things change extremely fast..woah..its a suffering to be on earth man..really admire those people who can be so happy..

Hate liars..liars..liars!

i had a bad day!

2006-11-07T21:39:00.000-08:00

well..today is kang li and franklin's big day..so ya..firstly..of coz courtesy base..muz wish them la..so a very happy birthday to the both of them and be successful in everything they do..most importantly..learn to treasure life yeah..

Niways..after yesterday's conversation..johnathon admited that he let me down again..and yes indeed..every month there sure will be at least one thing he did that will disappoint me de lo..seriously dun understand wad is wrong man..mayb the one with a problem is me ba..when you expect too much..u get disappointed equally much..so yah..i decided to change and expect nth from him anymore..

juz check out the friendster..and guess wad..kang li..she scold me fuck..she tinks tt i am insensitive of her feelings..well..to be honest..u delete not one but more than tt of the testimonials i wrote to u..u call that sparing a thought for others?!Yes..i am sad..indeed i am..yet..did u bother to cheer me up?please..next time..before u wan to like scold others..talk things out first..you're not the only one who wan other peoples' understanding..but other people need yours too..need u by their side too..ok..u didnt inform me anything bout your exams etc..despite me worrying for u gers..so please..ok?u wan talk it out..dun give me the attitude just like that ok..

seriously now..i am damm fuck up..not because of kang li..but because of everything thats happening around me..my friends..family..boyfriend..wth man..i got emotions too k..always wan me to hear u talk..anyone bother to hear me talk?!

anyway..yesterday bear msg me and i can tell he's really hurt and upset..every single sms of his hurt me lo..i really dunoe wad i can do to make him feel better or the situation improve..i just sucks..

aniiways..wadever iit is..i dun care anymore..life's just like this..u live to die..so..i'm just waiting for the god of death to come knocking at my door..

ciaoz...

looking back

2006-11-07T01:15:00.000-08:00

Not long ago..something happened and it really affected me alot. That particular incident made me realise lotsa things such as life is precious..i'm not the only one suffering on earth..etc...It was such a pity..as for what really happen..please do not ask me anymore..somethings are better left untouch..i just felt the loss so deep despite the fact that we aint close at all..i felt that i could have did something to help yet i did nth..anyway..he still left a footmark in my life that i'll never forget..To me..he was a hero..a courageous, brave and tough hero..someone that i'll admire forever..

After i entered poly..it seems as though i fell into a pit of loneliness, helplessness and depression. It wasnt what i expected it to be! All the poly life i imagined were just illusions. Without money, looks or brains..i really wonder how am i gonna survive in my 3 years of poly life. I even doubt the fact that i will be able to attain my diploma. I ponder deeply why izzit that other people can survive so well in poly yet i cant. Then i realise why - they posses either brains, looks or money and some even posses all 3! Aint these people lucky?

Well, i seem to drift further and further apart from mine secondary school sisters. Even though they keep saying nth's change but i still feel the distance..the gap in between us..dun wish to mention anything as i guess i'm the only one feeling being left out of their JC lives..no point bothering them with my thoughts..anyway as the chinese saying goes " tian xia wu bu san zhi yan xi " wad for i wanna hold on to everything so tightly and naive-ly think that they'll always be with me..know wads on my mind etc. Anyway like i always say..things change, people change. I will change someday somehow too..or maybe..i've already changed unknowingly.

Guo yi tian, shi yi tian..this world has its own mechanisms..and my strength is very limited..there's really nth much i can do but accept..jux like i very much wanted to encourage my juniors to study hard be more united..quit smoking..and yet..more and more are picking up the fucking cig. and throwing their futures away. I really gave up le..as people always say..you have no right to control other peoples' lives..as a senior..i did my best le..jux hope that someday somehow..they will realise what they are actually doing and salvage the situation.

Come to talk about bear..well..i seriously neglect him alot and is totally insensitive of his feelings. I tried my best to reduce the hurt in him..but i always end up hurting him more..i really am greatful to him..for everything..and i mean EVERYTHING.

Robinson cliques are splitting up too..its like so hard to gather all of us together for an outing..anyway..our schedules are different and we live all over singapore..so i understand its really hard for us to have a true gathering..anwyay..to be honest..i oso dun really like to hang out together..not because of any hard feelings..but rather feelings of being left out..its like for example raazmy and terry..huiying and yvonne and zoelyn..den i like wad sia..anyway i jux felt that i dun belong anywhere..is not close enough with any of them.

hmmm..brothers and frens are in NS le..time really flies..its as though we really have grown up..just hope that they will take good care and yah..dun give up easily..be tough..

Cant wait to mit up with my pri sch kids..haas..gossips and food..yummy! REally miss those good old days..hmmm..

Lastly..johnathon! hmmm..really hope we can quarrel less..best dun quarrel at all..give in to each other..be more sensitive to each other's feelings and respect! hmmm..time really flies..one more month to one year..really hope that we can go that far or best still..even further!

anyways, had a long talk already..so..ciaos!